i admit i can be pretty stubborn at times. i have my faults. i'm imperfect and i'm always working on myself...
but i want you to know that little things don't usually get me upset. i can usually let it slide and shake it off. i'd like to think that it takes a lot for me to get upset at people yunno? maybe my friends and family might disagree, hehe, but honestly i get along with a lot of people and those people span across all different kinds of personalities and likes and interests and i think that's telling of how easygoing and friendly i am.
that being said, it has taken me a LOONGGGG time to get over what someone said to me, not once, but several times. it was maybe a year or two ago. and today the thought of this person just totally consumed me at work because i recently saw them again. i hated wat it did to me. im working on forgiving this person and letting it go, but it's taken me some time. it is FINALLY time tho--this can't go on anymore.
well a couple of years ago, this person made a comment to me and at first i thought they were being nice. you know, this person is generally a nice person. so i kind of shook it off even though their tone wasn't very nice. you know how u can tell when someone looks you up and down and says, "oh...i like wat you're wearing..." you can tell automatically by the tone of their voice that they meant to say something else like, "omg...what are you wearing?!!!" well this was exactly that situation. then the next time i would see this person (because i dont see them very often), they would say something similar once again! and when i would ask friends and family wat they thought about this person's comments, they all agreed it was weird, but you know--who cares?
well i cared. i couldn't let it go. my dislike for this person grew and grew. it was like every little thing they did annoyed me more and more and it became HARDER for me to forgive them. they rubbed me the wrong way when i first met them and now i just can't find it in my heart to like this person. now, 2 years has passed and it's too late to "confront" them because it's obviously become MY issue now. it ate me from inside out and now i see how ugly it's gotten--how ugly i've gotten.
my anger and hurt against this person has consumed me and guess wat? it's not affecting them at all because they could care less. ahhhh!!!!!!! it just makes me hate myself even more because it's taken me so long to get over it. so who cares? this person said patronizing things to me and i knew it when it happened, but i let it glaze over so it's my fault because i should have said something right then and there when it happened. sigh! no one appreciates it when someone patronizes them, but usually you get over it right?
no, not me. i guess i kind of thought that by being upset for the last couple of years i was taking a stand against this person and their superficiality. i wanted to take a stand and not be taken for a fool for believing their sarcastic remarks, but in the end: I AM THE FOOL because i'm still upset and hurt by this person's actions.
it's so hard to forgive and forget, but i must go on and leave this as a bad memory in my past. i need God's love and His patience. i don't want this person to consume me anymore. i want to move forward in my life and let this person's rude remarks be nothing but a part of my past for me.
what have you done in the past when someone has hurt you and by the grace of God you moved on somehow?
sorry for my thoughts being all over the place tonite, but it's been such a struggle to even think straight. anger destroys you. you end up being the only one who's hurt because you allow it to eat you up inside.
i'm praying for the peace of God to guide my heart. i'm so thankful for this upcoming weekend and for His resurrection. i'm praying that in His resurrection i will find my healing. no matter how much this person has hurt me, i am choosing to no longer feed into their patronizing and condescending words. i will be respectful, but it will be hard for me to ever be friends with this person.
please pray for God to open my heart to forgive this person. i realized why this person's comments have hurt me so much: it's like thinking the worst thoughts about yourself and having that person confirm all of those thoughts of feeling and looking ugly you know....? it just makes me cry and feel even more sadness than anger...
thanks for listening,
pajjar
2 comments:
I pray that this wall will break down and that you will no longer be in the chains of it... there was a person in my life many many years ago that once "got to me" in this way and I finally gave it to the Lord & learned to love the person like how Christ loves- full of grace and forgiveness. hang in there!
Lysa~
You're such a kind-hearted friend. That person is too self-engrossed and blind to see it. But that doesn't matter. Life and faith tests our kindness and ability to forgive people. And often times, we struggle with this task, but at the end of the day, all that matters is, we can live with ourselves and the choices we make. I know you've tried, time and time again PJ. It's time to move on and let it go.
This weekend, I ran into someone I used to be really good friends with. She walked around me and ignored me. And I realized, who am I kidding? I've tried to be nice all these years. Even though we've had a falling out, I go out of my way to say hi when I see her. This isn't the first time she has done this to me. So, I'm moving on. I no longer have to protect our nonexistent friendship. Thanks for sharing PJ.
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